


Dear Patton Heart

by imthederpyfox



Series: Sanders sides [21]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen, Sanders Sides
Genre: AU, Angst, Anxiety, Arguing, Broken Family, Crying, Depression, F/M, Fear, Fluff, Its time, M/M, Music, Parody, Social Media, Song Fic Kinda, Suicide, Suicide mention, Swearing, Tears, bullying kinda, dear evan hansen au, let me know if i missed any, like a lot, lying, mention of drug use, mention of medication, self deprication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:40:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21653905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imthederpyfox/pseuds/imthederpyfox
Summary: Patton Heart struggles with social anxiety disorder and wants to make a connection with his peers; so much so that he fabricates a relationship with a recently deceased student in order to get closer to the boys family.
Relationships: Logicality, Patton/Logan, Platonic Moxiety - Relationship, platonic Prinxiety, platonic royality
Series: Sanders sides [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/874935
Kudos: 8





	1. Anybody have a map?

**Author's Note:**

> it is finally time, I've been tryna force myself into writing this for ages, and now I guess it's time to stop sitting on it and just do it. 
> 
> The trigger warnings are important as I still can't get through this show without balling my eyes for most of it like a little baby. It can be very triggering as well, so be careful.
> 
> It's not going to be exact word for word, especially since every lead had their own spin on it, but I'm gonna try to make it as close as possible to give it the depth that was in the proper production. 
> 
> \- Because Joan and Talyn are the parents I don't want to put them as mum and dad, due to them being nonbinary, so Talyn is 'Cenn' - Short for “Cennend”, gender neutral Anglo-Saxon word for parent.  
> And Joan is 'Nibi' - Derived from n.b for nonbinary. -
> 
> The songs are gonna be weird so at the end of each fic I'm gonna put a link to the actual songs so you can hear how it's supposed to be...

Dear Patton Heart, 

Today is going to be... an amazing day! And here's why - because today, um, all you have to do, is just... be yourself! 

...

But also confident, that's important, and interesting! Like easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself! That's number one, like, just be yourself! Just, just um be true to yourself? 

Also though don't worry about whether or not your hands get sweaty, for no reason, and you can't make it stop no matter what you do, cuz then, well they're not gonna get sweaty so I don't know why you're bringing it up. Because it's not gonna happen, because all you have to do is just be yourself!

It might not even be anything to worry about because it's really not gonna happen. It's not gonna be like the time you had that PERFECT chance to introduce yourself to Logan Thorn at the Jazz Band concert, last year, when you waited after to, to talk to him and tell him he was really good! And you were gonna pretend to be like SUPER casual, like you didn't even know his name, like he was a stranger. And he would introduce himself, and you'd just be like, 'oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you! Cohen? Was it? Was it Cohen?' And then he'd be like 'no, I said Logan.' and then you'd just be like 'oh my bad, yeah sorry I'm just very busy with other stuff right now, so thanks!'

But! You didn't even end up saying anything to him, you were just too scared your hands were sweating! And they weren't even THAT sweaty until you focused on it and worried they were sweaty, which made them sweaty, so you went to the bathroom and put them under the hand dryer, but it didn't work because now they were still sweaty but really warm. Warm and still sweaty.

-

He stopped typing, sighing and ringing his hands.  
"So!" Vallery - his mother - her voice broke through his spiralling thoughts as she came in. He closed his laptop and turned to her. "No dinner tonight? Decided not to?" She held up the money she'd left him for food while she was at her late shift at the hospital.  
"I just wasn't hungry..." He began fiddling with the sheets.  
"You're a senior in High School!" She reminded him. "You should be able to order dinner while I'm at work, you can do it all on that laptop of yours now!" She stepped closer. "You don't have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don't like the phone."

He looked to her. "That's not true, actually because you have to talk to the delivery person when they come to the door and then they have to count the change, which is just awkward cuz they're just stood there silently while they get the change."  
"Ok." Vallery interrupted him before he could continue. "This is what you're SUPPOSED to be working on, Patton. Doctor Picani told you, TALKING. to PEOPLE." 

Patton bit at his hangnail for a moment.  
"Interacting with people, not running away from people." She continued when he didn't answer.  
"You're right." He answered. "I'm trying..."  
"No, I know, I know you are." She turned back to him and patted his arm. "That's why I made you an appointment with Doctor Picani for this afternoon! And you can head there after school."  
"But, I already have an appointment next week." Patton replied. 

"And I thought something sooner might be better." Vallery answered as she put away some of his clothes. "Have you been writing the letters he wants you to do? You know, the letters to yourself? 'Lil', ya know, pep talks, 'Dear Patton Heart, it's gonna be a good day and here's why!'." She smiled at him and he looked down to his closed laptop. "Are you doing that?-"  
"Yeah, I've started writing one." Patton told her, interrupting her rant. "I'll, I'll finish it at school!"  
"Those letters are very important honey, they're gonna help you, ya know, build confidence and seize the day!" She giggled, placing her hands on her hips. 

He looked up at her. "I guess!" He replied, mimicking her over dramatic tone.  
She shook her head in exasperation but still smiled. "I don't want another year of you just sitting at home, on your laptop every Friday night, telling me you don't have any friends."  
"Neither do I..." He replied, still fiddling with his bed sheets.  
She sighed. 

-

"Can we try to have an optimistic outlook? Huh? Can we look up just enough to see the world won't fall apart? Maybe this year we decide, 'we're not giving up before we've tried'. This year, we make a new, start."

-

She smiled. "Hey, I know! You can go around at school today and ask the other kids to sign your cast, that'll be good! That'd be a great ice breaker, huh?"  
"...Perfect..." He mumbled.  
"Hey." She smiled at him as he looked to her. "I'm proud of you already."  
"I know... Gooood..." Patton replied, looking back down at his bed. 

She left and closed the door behind her, sighing. 

-

"Another stellar conversation, for the scrapbook. Another stumble as I'm reaching for the right thing to say. I'm, kinds coming up empty, can't find my way to you...

Does anybody have a map? Anybody happen to know how the hell to do this? I don't know if you can tell but this is me just pretending to know, so where's the map? I need a clue. The scary truth is, I'm flying blind, and I'm making this up as I go."

-

The Thorn's sat at the breakfast table, an unsettling silence surrounding them.  
"It's your senior year, Virgil, you are NOT missing the first day." Talyn reprimanded their son.  
Virgil rolled his eyes. "I already said, I'd go tomorrow." His family simply stared at him. "I'm tryna find a compromise here."  
Talyn turned to Joan, their partner. "Are you gonna sort this, or are you too busy with your emails, Joan?"  
Joan quickly looked up. "You have to go to school, Virgil."  
"That's all you're gonna say?"  
"Well, what do you want me to say?" Joan sighed. "He doesn't listen. Look at him, he's probably high." 

Logan looked up at them. "He's definitely high."  
"FUCK you!~" Virgil replied.  
"Fuck you!" Logan shouted back.  
"We do not need you picking on your brother right now, that really isn't constructive!" Talyn reminded Logan. He simply rolled his eyes.  
"Are you kidding?"  
"Besides." Talyn continued before a full on argument could start. "He's not high."

Virgil looked back up from the table, a small smirk shooting its way at his brother.  
Talyn pinched the bridge of their nose. "I don't want you going to school high, Virgil! We talked about this."  
"Perfect! So then I won't go." He pushed himself away from the table. "Thanks, Cenn!" 

-

"Another masterful attempt ends with disaster..."

"The interstates already jammed!"

"Pour another cup of coffee and watch it all crash and burn!"

"Virgil finished the milk!"

"It's a puzzle, it's a maze, I try to steer through it a million ways. But each day's another wrong... turn."

"I better head out."

"If Virgil's not ready, I'm leaving without him!" 

"Does anybody have a map?"

"Anybody have a map?"

"Anybody know how the hell to do this?"

"I don't know if you can tell, but this is me just pretending to know!" 

"So where's the map?"

"I need a clue!"

"Cuz the scary truth is, I'm flying blind."

"I'm flying blind."

"I'm flying blind!" 

"I'm flying blind... And I'm making this up, as I go!"

"As I go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody have a map - Animatic by Morci on youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qHIV0g1hbo&list=PLcAj0QXRrHgE8UhpZGyxDwFRHAcj59_VH&index=3


	2. Waving Through a Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the songs that makes me cry the most aha, it's too relatable.

"Hey, how was your summer?" Thomas smiled at him as he walked through the corridor at school.  
"Uh, awesome..." He mumbled.  
"Mine was productive, I did three internships and ninety hours of community service." He nodded proudly. "I know, wow."  
"Yes, that's wow, that's really-"  
"And though I was busy, I still made some great friends, or, well more like acquaintances, really." Thomas continued. 

Before he could change his mind Patton decided to take his mums advice. "Do you want to, maybe, sorry, do you wanna maybe sign my cast?"  
"Oh my gosh, what happened to your arm?" Thomas finally noticed the clean cast.  
"I broke it, I was just climbing a tree-"  
"Oh, really? My Aunt broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said, because then she died." Thomas interrupted.  
Patton stared at him and took a careful step back, unsure what to do or say.  
Thomas smiled. "Happy first day!" And with that said he walked away. 

But that wasn't it, Roman - his friend - came bounding down the corridor. "Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jacking it too much?" He smirked, speaking way too loudly. "Or do you conciser that an honour?"  
"Stop it!" Patton rushed over to him, pointing a finger at him. "I wasn't doing that!"  
"Paint me the picture, you're in your bedroom, you got Logan Thorn's Instagram open, on your weird branded phone-"  
"Shh! Stop it, Roman!" Patton pleaded, looking around to see if anyone was overhearing. "That's not what happened, obviously, I was, well, I was climbing up a tree and I just fell."

Roman laughed. "You FELL out of a TREE?! What are you, like... an acorn?" He laughed even more.  
Patton was confused, but continued explaining. "Well, I don't know if you know this Roman, but I worked this summer, at the park as a ranger. Elisen State Park, I'm sorta... a tree expert now! I mean, not to brag but..." He turned away. "ANYWAY, I'm tryna climb this forty foot oak tree-"  
"And you fell!"  
"Well it's a funny story though, because there was a whole ten minutes after I fell where I just laid there on the ground, um, waiting for anyone to come get me, 'any second', I was saying to myself, 'any second they're gonna come!'." He stopped his rant when Roman placed a hand on his shoulder, turning him back to facing him. 

"You did that?"  
"No, nobody came, that's the... um, that's what's funny." He concluded.  
"Jesus Christ." Roman laughed again.  
"But what did you do for... for." He sighed. "I'm sorry, did you have a good summer?" Patton asked his friend.  
"Well, I DOMINATED capture the flag, and I got to second base with this guy from Omaha, that was gonna be in the army, sooo." Roman answered, nodding like it was a pretty sweet summer for him. "Yeah! Hopefully that answers your question." He made to walk away. 

"Oh, hey, do you wanna just sign my cast?" Patton asked before he could leave, going into his pocket to get the pen.  
"Why are you asking me?" Roman whined as he turned back around.  
"Well, I just thought, cuz we're friends and-"  
"We're FAMILY friends, that's like a WHOLE different thing!" Roman reminded him. "And you know it. Ok, tell your mum to tell my mum that I was nice to you otherwise my parents won't pay for my car insurance."  
"I will..." Patton muttered, walking away. 

"Hey, Virgil! LOVING the new hair length~" Roman called down the corridor. "Very, school shooter chic!~" He smirked, shooting finger guns at the taller kid. There was an awkward silence and Patton had turned around when he heard Roman getting himself into trouble with the weird kid. "I was just kidding..." Roman continued when the silence did as well. Virgil didn't look happy. "It's a joke-"  
"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Virgil asked, completely monotone. He glared at Roman. "Am I not laughing HARD enough for you?!" He demanded, leaning closer to the other kid. 

Roman put his hands up in surrender. "You're such a freak." He replied awkwardly before turning and leaving.  
Virgil clenched his fist, his expression turning to stone. Patton just looked between where Roman was wondering off to and Virgil. Patton let out an awkward puff of air. "What the FUCK are you laughing at?" Virgil demanded of him.  
"W-What?" Patton asked.  
"STOP FUCKING LAUGHING AT ME!"  
"I-I'm not!" Patton quickly tried to resolve the situation.  
"You think I'm a freak?!"  
"No! No!"  
"I'm not the freak!"  
"Well, I wasn't laughi-"  
"YOU'RE the FUCKING FREAK!" Virgil growled, gripping Patton's shirt and pushing him to the ground before storming off. 

-

"I've learned to slam on the break... before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake... before I lead with the worst of me..."

-

He got up, letting out a sigh and gripping his bag straps again, he looked down the corridor where Virgil was going and looked down to the floor. 

-

"I give them no reason to stare. No slipping up, if you slip away..."

-

He walked down the corridor, avoiding people as much as he could.

-

"So, I got nothing to share... No, I got nothing to say. Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned."

-

He watched the grass as he sat there for lunch, everyone in groups around. But he was alone...

-

"Step out, step out of the sun, because you've learned. Because you've learned. On the outside, always looking in, will I, always be more than I've always been? Cuz I'm, tap tap tapping on the... glass. I'm waving through a window."

-

He sat in class, watching the happy people walking by outside. He turned to look down at his desk. 

-

"And I, try to speak but nobody can hear, so I, wait around for an answer to appear while I'm watch watch watching people pass. I'm waving through a window... Can anybody see? Is anybody waving... back at me?" 

-

"Hey!" a voice came, scaring Patton when he was so deep in thought. "I am sorry about my brother, I saw him push you earlier." It was Logan Thorn. "Patton, right?"  
"Patton!"  
"That is you'er name-"  
"Yes! It is, it's Patton!" Patton internally face palmed at his own stupidness. "Sorry..."  
"Why are you sorry?" Logan let out a small chuckle.  
"Because you said Patton, and then I said it, I repeated it and it's just so annoying when people do that-"  
"I am Logan." Logan smiled before Patton could start rambling.  
"Yes, no, I know." 

There was a beat of silence.  
"You know?" Logan asked.  
Patton's heart began racing. "NO, no no!" He scrambled for something to say. "I mean! I've seen you play guitar in Jazz Band, so I love Jazz, well not like ALL jazz, but definitely like, some Jazz. Like Jazz Band jazz, I'm so weird... I'm sorry!" He chuckled slightly and Logan actually smiled and laughed slightly.  
"You apologise a lot." Logan smiled.  
"I'm sorry..." Patton mumbled, saying something to himself.  
"Ok, well I will talk to you-" Logan began moving away. 

Now or never... "You don't wanna sign my cast do you?" Patton blurted out.  
"What?" They both asked each other at the same time.  
"I did not say anything, you did." Logan told him.  
"No, I me? No way." Patton brushed it off. "Hosey...!" He smiled stupidly, embarrassed.  
Logan let out a nervous laugh as he stepped away. "Ok, 'Hosey'!"  
"Right, cuz I..." Patton laughed and turned and sighed when Logan was gone.

-

"We start with stars in our eyes... we start believing that we belong. But every sun doesn't rise, and no one tells you where you went wrong! Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned. Step out, step out of the sun, because you've learned, because you've learned. 

On the outside always looking in, will I, ever be more than I've always been? Cuz I'm tap tap tapping on the glass... waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear, so I, wait around for an answer to appear, while I'm watch watch watching people pass... waving through a window.

Can anybody see? Is anybody waving?!

When you're falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?

When you're falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, do you ever even crash, or even make a sound?

When you're falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?

When you're falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or even make a sound...?

Did I even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It's like I never made a sound, will I ever make a sound...?

On the outside, always looking in, will I, ever be more than I've always been? Cuz I'm tap tap tapping on the glass... waving through a window! I, try to speak but nobody can hear, so I, wait around for an answer to appear, while I'm watch watch watching people pass... waving through a window!

Can anybody see...? Is anybody waving... back at me? Is anybody waving?! Waving... waving... oh....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waving Through a Window - Animatic by kjunginger on youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=836YYx0qjgs&list=PLcAj0QXRrHgE8UhpZGyxDwFRHAcj59_VH&index=8&t=0s


	3. Patton Heart (drawings)

Look at this anxious boy. I don't know whether I prefer him without glasses or not, though Patton does have glasses so idk.


End file.
